Adventure #62: Worst Case Scenario

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." - Hayley Williams

Breaking an ankle is quite an experience. Though I imagine breaking any bone is for that matter. The realization that walking isn't going to be a possibility hits immediately. And, at least for me, I recalled fondly what the use of two good legs was like. Not to mention, I recognized how I had taken for granted some basic but amazing abilities.

Six months ago today, at about this time actually, I was laying in a hospital bed waiting to be taken to surgery to correct the fracture of my fibula and dislocation of my talus (picture below).

It was a journey even getting to the day of surgery but that's not the story I'm telling today. Today is about the Worst Case Scenario.

Leading up to surgery, I had met with the surgeon a few times, as was needed. Some of the complications were making surgery difficult and too risky. There were moments that were easy to take it one step at a time (haha..) and other moments that I lost all hope and ability to see this situation as anything but the worst.

In one of these lower moments, I was reminded of something the doctor had said. He had said that the worst case scenario is that I'd be walking again in 6 months from surgery. It would likely be shorter but 6 months was a guarantee. So I started a countdown in my phone to today.

I'm happy to report that it didn't take 6 months. By March 21st (approx. 2 weeks after surgery), I was cleared to return to work and had a boot to boot. (I'm so funny!) On April 18th, I was given the okay to start putting weight on my foot (my brain objected to such an idea at first but eventually accepted this as a good thing). May 3rd, I started physical therapy and took my first official steps without crutches. And when my last PT appointment (August 7th) came around I was walking on the treadmill in every direction, doing the grapevine across the room, and we had given the boot the boot a month and a half before. (In fact, where did I put it? I don't even remember...)

I can also tell you that some of the absolute worst and some of the positively best moments of my life happened in those 6 months. I experienced so much love from others and for others. And I experienced days that being numb didn't seem like enough to get me through. But what I've learned from all this...whatever is happening right now - whatever you are going through, facing, just barely getting out of bed to deal with, whatever it is - your life has the potential to be completely different in 6 months.

To reach that though, some effort is involved but so is rest and reflection. And it takes choosing every day to move forward. A lot of days feel like a step backward but where you end up is leagues from where you started. There's a chance you won't even know yourself when you get there. I don't fully recognized myself. But there's no part of me that wants to go back. And I'm grateful for the journey, for the continued confusion, and for the people who loved me through it and beyond.

Who knows, maybe you'll end up part cyborg, like me (picture below). Now that is an adventure!

Adventure #61: Not Who I Expect

"We're all rough drafts of the people we're becoming." ~ Bob Goff

Of my millions of thoughts, this one won't stop replaying in my mind: I am the farthest I have ever been from who I thought I was and the closest I have ever been to the person I never thought I could be. I'm a mess. I'm a beautiful, broken disaster and I keep blaming life for that. But it's still a life I'm trying to build for the better.

I ask myself constantly, "What's the point of all of this?" I answer myself every time with, "Love. Just love." I don't know that that truly answers the question in even the vaguest sense. And I roll my eyes at my own answer...why must I so grossly romanticized this?

This disaster believes so completely in love and its abilities that it has destroyed me over and over again. Or at least, that's what it feels like. I live to love others. I thrive on it, until I don't. And I wonder time and time again if I'm doing this wrong. Because I only have myself to blame, right?

I take on what's not mine. I feel guilty when it's not enough or I can do literally nothing. I've brought with me these same habits that have kept me "safe" until now. And yet, I'm nothing like I was.

But in the same way, I don't know who I am. I'm not even sure I know how to figure out who I am. It's terrifying and exhilarating. But more than anything it's just confusing. The contradictions in my life are seemingly unending. Some examples: I don't fully believe in God but I can't stop praying and talking to Him. Or the fact that I want to run away and yet I feel grounded and stable. A big one is that I seek to numb and pacify the waves of emotion that drag me down but my highest self feels deeply and allows space for the emotions to exist without making demands on them.

Coming back to the point, being a mess is acceptable. At least, I hope it is because I am one. And our messes are going to leak and merge and splatter on to other people's. While this is also acceptable, and inevitable, we have to take responsibility for those instances. It's not for them to clean it all up. We are in this together, despite how lonely life regularly seems.

And through these messy adventures, I apologize for whoever has been affected by the mess that is me. Perhaps more importantly though, you're not alone in this struggle. And you're not the only disaster there is. You're in good company.

Adventure #59: On This Day

"Have you ever just stopped and realized that if you hadn't met a certain person your entire life would be completely different?"

I moved into my own apartment on April 16th of 2017 and one might think that that was the catalyst to a new life. But in reality, and I know this to be absolute truth, my life was changed because of the visit that took place ten days later on April 26th. The differences began subtly. But as seems to happen with most progression, things snowballed.

After hearing the knock, I let the three of them in - Erin, Holley, and Crystal. I didn't know that one of them was one of the Relief Society presidents in the ward (or if I did, I had completely forgotten). I did know, or figured out rather quickly, that this was going to be an entertaining encounter. The conversation ranged from what I do in my day-to-day life to the upcoming movie releases and, of course, the superheroes on the posters in my living room. Crystal was quiet, observing and just mostly soaked in the conversation. Holley knew many things about the Marvel Universe and other such nerdy topics and shared her knowledge openly. Erin, who I found out was the RS president, asked insightful questions, the kind that proved she was listening and paying attention. By the end of this discussion, much laughter had been exchanged and my smile had gotten wider and wider.

Interestingly, one of our parting conversations foreshadowed events that I only teasingly suggested.

"If you want me for a specific calling, better snatch me up quick," I said, joking vainly. I remember Erin laughing and acknowledging the pretended urgency at the thought, but when I brought it up to her later, she didn't remember anything about it. Coincidental and convenient for upcoming events.

My memory, however, was clear when I met with Bishop three weeks later.

"We'd like you to be the secretary of Relief Society 2. Could you do that?" he asked.

A great part of me wanted to say no. Honestly, moving into this ward, I thought I would disappear for a while, fly under the radar maybe. That's what I wanted to do anyway. My faith was not where it had been, so the desire to reject the call was strong. But I knew this calling meant working with Erin and she had already won a fair portion of my loyalty and support in just the two weeks I had known her.

"I can do that," I finally affirmed.

And that was that. I became a part of the ward. It's not something I had planned to seek out and it didn't happen immediately but, piece by piece, I became a part of this family. My belonging was established and before I knew it, the amount of love - for me and in me for others - was undeniable and unforgettable.

The initial visit was the catalyst for not only my further RS involvement but also for my friendship with Erin. Then with Stacey. And Ashley and Alaina, and Jenele. And Paige. It led to meeting Leah on the way to the Relief Society retreat and then, in later months, her telling me to "get out" over and over again (to which I mostly refused). Watching What's Up Doc? Rachel and Erin soon followed. Numerous game nights. Flag football with RedD as DJ. Ward council and new member meetings with Kiel. The House of Eight: Ryan, Kyle, Jordan. Sending random memes to Jane. Scores of memorable people who have successfully, and with little resistance from me, become integral to my life. The characters of which I will value and hold dear for the course of my life. Miraculous - every single one of them is a miracle.

And they have made the subsequent adventures most enjoyable.

Adventure #47: Sharing Food

"If you really want to make a friend, go to someone's house and eat with him... the people who give you their food give you their heart." ~ Cesar Chavez

So, unlike Joey from Friends, I do share food. I also love it when people share with me. With that in mind, here's what I've noticed about sharing food:

• The offer, even if it isn't accepted, always puts a smile on the faces of those involved.
• When we are at a loss for what to do for someone, we provide food.
• Since food is one of the basic necessities of survival, giving food to someone is saying, "I want you to survive. Take what I have to help you live because I want you to stay alive. That's how much you mean to me."
• It never ceases to amaze me how often I feel fuller by sharing.

The quote at the top also expresses the sentiment, "the people who give you their food give you their heart." Cheesy? Nice way to top a pizza at least? Perhaps, but all the same it is true. There's a reason that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I submit that that actually applies to all humans. And the opposite side to that then is that those doing the sharing, also share their heart as the quote states. 

Therefore...

When I offer you food:

• Take it.
• If you are not actually hungry or truly despise the dish, politely (or impolitely - I won't tell you entirely how to live your life...) refuse. I will understand but I will probably try to find something else you would like.
• Do not feel guilty accepting. Ever. I am willing to share both to be kind and because I care about you. I extend the offer because I want you to live and I will help that continue however I can.
• I will offer food when I find out you are going through a hard time. In many ways, this is my version of hugging. I can't always tell if a person would be open to a hug in that instant so I will take another route to help - through food.
• Finally, AND THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE, if I ever say to you, "Would you like a blue fruit snack?" you can be assured that you mean the world to me. Blue fruit snacks are the rarest and most favorite of all the foods. If I ever give you one, that means you are set with me - I will care about you forever.

This has been another installment of Sharing is Caring. Tune in next time when we interview those crazies to turn down food from their friends...

(PS: If you ever offer me blue food - especially in fruit snack form - you'll will probably never be able to get rid of me from that point on. Blue food is commitment food. So be prepared.)

Adventure #38: The Harry Potter Clause

"Who says you can't go home? There's only one place they call me one of their own...There's only one place left I want to go! Who says you can't go home?" ~ Bon Jovi

In Harry Potter, we find out that Harry has to return to the Dursleys once a year to keep his mother's love protecting him. As long as he can call it home, he can renew that protective charm.

I've realized recently that I have a similar enchantment in effect on me. Only I need to go home once a month to renew it. 

Perhaps, that's a exaggeration but when I couldn't make it back to Cedar for 2+ months, I was struggling. And, maybe I can go longer and still be okay. But I know - I experienced it - that I do better when I regularly return home.

Why is that? I'm not entirely sure. Though I do know that I love it there more than any place on earth. And some of my favorite people live there. Often I get to take other favorite people with me! There isn't much else required to recharge - my favorite place and some of my favorite people. 

And every visit is a reminder that, no matter what happens in life, I can always go home.

Adventure #36: Cinematic Adventures

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." -Mr. Magorium

I don't trust movie review sites. One such site gave my favorite movie Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium a 37% rating. This same site gave Noah a 77% rating. Again, I disagree. At the very least, those number should be switched. And here's why:

Why Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium Is My Favorite Movie

When first seeing Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, I related to the Sock Monkey. He wanted the attention of the Mutant. On some level, I think the Monkey knew the Mutant needed the reminder it's okay to be child-like too.  And, even though the colorful, magical world had already drawn me in, the connection with the Sock Monkey hooked me for the duration.

Since that hook, I've lost count how many times I've seen this movie. And as I grow, I relate to different characters at different times. I've been Molly Mahoney, who is lost and is searching for her full potential. I've been the Mutant, who is so serious in his life, he's forgotten that fun is allowed. I've been Eric, who just wants to make friends and be accepted as he is. I've been Mr. Magorium, whose goal is to bring happiness and create wonder. And I've been the Store - I pout when people leave; I throw a tantrum when things are about to change - good or bad. 

The characters are the #1 reason I keep coming back to this movie.

These characters that I keep coming back for have also given me the best lines. 

• "We must face tomorrow whatever it may hold with determination, joy, and bravery."
• "37 seconds. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds well used is a lifetime."
• "All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin."
• "No matter what they tell you, you don't have to stay within the lines."
• "It's you. You're a block of wood." 

With these lines and characters, I can turn to this movie for any emotion. If I want to laugh or cry, if I want to find comfort or learn something, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium covers it all. There's the whimsical nature of the toy store, the seriousness of death, the happiness in growth and discovery, and safety in love.

A vital component in the emotional nature of this story is how the characters go through the grieving process.
 Denial - Mahoney drags Mr. Magorium to the hospital because she thinks he can't be departing.
 Bargaining - Mahoney showing Mr. Magorium what he as to live for, Eric trying to buy the store.
 Anger - Eric's insistence that Mahoney run the store, the Store's temper tantrum.
 Depression - The Store turns black, Mr. Magorium's good-bye scene.
 Acceptance - The block of wood flies, Mahoney discovers her magic.

Putting aside the emotions, logistically, the music is beautiful. For instance, how flowing and fun all the pieces are. And how this music grows with the story. I also love the inclusion of books, games, art, animals, and so many awe-inspiring aspects of human nature.

And so when all of this is combined in one film, there is magic. This magic is reflected in the portrayal of love. This is one movie that has no 'Boy falls for girl and girl for boy' story. However, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium bursting with love. It is found in the devotion the Store has for Mr. Magorium. Also, the kindness exchanged between the Mutant and Mahoney. Eric finds friendship in the Mutant. Mahoney's admiration for Mr. Magorium. Mr. Magorium's treatment of  EVERYONE! They love each other in the most fundamental way - the way that every person needs.

The characters keep me coming back and love keeps the story alive.

One final aspect that puts this movie over the top for me: when Mr. Magorium is in the hospital, Eric brings him an euphonium. An EUPHONIUM! That is the instrument that I play! Does anyone out there even know what that is? Most people don't when I tell them about this fabulous instrument. But this puts it over the top because it's so, so personal. What movie has an euphonium? None, I tell you, none! I can't guarantee that everyone will find a connection that personal but there is something for everyone in this film.

So I suggest everyone watch it and enjoy your adventures!


P.S. This is an euphonium -