Adventure #61: Not Who I Expect

"We're all rough drafts of the people we're becoming." ~ Bob Goff

Of my millions of thoughts, this one won't stop replaying in my mind: I am the farthest I have ever been from who I thought I was and the closest I have ever been to the person I never thought I could be. I'm a mess. I'm a beautiful, broken disaster and I keep blaming life for that. But it's still a life I'm trying to build for the better.

I ask myself constantly, "What's the point of all of this?" I answer myself every time with, "Love. Just love." I don't know that that truly answers the question in even the vaguest sense. And I roll my eyes at my own answer...why must I so grossly romanticized this?

This disaster believes so completely in love and its abilities that it has destroyed me over and over again. Or at least, that's what it feels like. I live to love others. I thrive on it, until I don't. And I wonder time and time again if I'm doing this wrong. Because I only have myself to blame, right?

I take on what's not mine. I feel guilty when it's not enough or I can do literally nothing. I've brought with me these same habits that have kept me "safe" until now. And yet, I'm nothing like I was.

But in the same way, I don't know who I am. I'm not even sure I know how to figure out who I am. It's terrifying and exhilarating. But more than anything it's just confusing. The contradictions in my life are seemingly unending. Some examples: I don't fully believe in God but I can't stop praying and talking to Him. Or the fact that I want to run away and yet I feel grounded and stable. A big one is that I seek to numb and pacify the waves of emotion that drag me down but my highest self feels deeply and allows space for the emotions to exist without making demands on them.

Coming back to the point, being a mess is acceptable. At least, I hope it is because I am one. And our messes are going to leak and merge and splatter on to other people's. While this is also acceptable, and inevitable, we have to take responsibility for those instances. It's not for them to clean it all up. We are in this together, despite how lonely life regularly seems.

And through these messy adventures, I apologize for whoever has been affected by the mess that is me. Perhaps more importantly though, you're not alone in this struggle. And you're not the only disaster there is. You're in good company.

Adventure #54: Messiness

It’s been a while and because of that, this entry is going to sound somewhat like a giant excuse but honestly, I’ve been pondering this for at least 3 months now. So here’s an obscure thought for the day.

“Life is messy, and we’re all a little screwed up in our own special snowflake kind of way.” - Mark Manson

Maybe it’s just part of growing up but I feel more and more confused all the time. I’ve hit the point where I’m trying to escape my own brain because the thinking going on is muddled and difficult and not producing the results I would like. I don’t know if this actually is because of the whole growing up thing or not but I’m going to blame it on that. Basically, everything I dislike I blame on “growing up.”

My point, you ask?

Life is messy. And much messier than I could have imagined. I might have had second thoughts about growing up if I had realized that NOTHING would make sense and clarity is the biggest myth of them all.

However, I am convinced that the greatest beauty is found in this mess. Diamond Rio sang it this way, “This morning I put salt in my coffee. I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Losing my mind, I swear….What a beautiful mess, what a beautiful mess I’m in.”

And that’s what we all face here.

Confusion.

Blurred lines.

Doubt.

GLORIOUS MESSINESS.

Life is made of these things. But it’s also designed for us to overcome these. And after 27 years, I’m finally starting to figure that out. I thought I’d had adventures before but it looks like there’s many more coming that I’m sure I’ll enjoy.

Enjoy your adventures!