Adventure #62: Worst Case Scenario

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." - Hayley Williams

Breaking an ankle is quite an experience. Though I imagine breaking any bone is for that matter. The realization that walking isn't going to be a possibility hits immediately. And, at least for me, I recalled fondly what the use of two good legs was like. Not to mention, I recognized how I had taken for granted some basic but amazing abilities.

Six months ago today, at about this time actually, I was laying in a hospital bed waiting to be taken to surgery to correct the fracture of my fibula and dislocation of my talus (picture below).

It was a journey even getting to the day of surgery but that's not the story I'm telling today. Today is about the Worst Case Scenario.

Leading up to surgery, I had met with the surgeon a few times, as was needed. Some of the complications were making surgery difficult and too risky. There were moments that were easy to take it one step at a time (haha..) and other moments that I lost all hope and ability to see this situation as anything but the worst.

In one of these lower moments, I was reminded of something the doctor had said. He had said that the worst case scenario is that I'd be walking again in 6 months from surgery. It would likely be shorter but 6 months was a guarantee. So I started a countdown in my phone to today.

I'm happy to report that it didn't take 6 months. By March 21st (approx. 2 weeks after surgery), I was cleared to return to work and had a boot to boot. (I'm so funny!) On April 18th, I was given the okay to start putting weight on my foot (my brain objected to such an idea at first but eventually accepted this as a good thing). May 3rd, I started physical therapy and took my first official steps without crutches. And when my last PT appointment (August 7th) came around I was walking on the treadmill in every direction, doing the grapevine across the room, and we had given the boot the boot a month and a half before. (In fact, where did I put it? I don't even remember...)

I can also tell you that some of the absolute worst and some of the positively best moments of my life happened in those 6 months. I experienced so much love from others and for others. And I experienced days that being numb didn't seem like enough to get me through. But what I've learned from all this...whatever is happening right now - whatever you are going through, facing, just barely getting out of bed to deal with, whatever it is - your life has the potential to be completely different in 6 months.

To reach that though, some effort is involved but so is rest and reflection. And it takes choosing every day to move forward. A lot of days feel like a step backward but where you end up is leagues from where you started. There's a chance you won't even know yourself when you get there. I don't fully recognized myself. But there's no part of me that wants to go back. And I'm grateful for the journey, for the continued confusion, and for the people who loved me through it and beyond.

Who knows, maybe you'll end up part cyborg, like me (picture below). Now that is an adventure!

Adventure #61: Not Who I Expect

"We're all rough drafts of the people we're becoming." ~ Bob Goff

Of my millions of thoughts, this one won't stop replaying in my mind: I am the farthest I have ever been from who I thought I was and the closest I have ever been to the person I never thought I could be. I'm a mess. I'm a beautiful, broken disaster and I keep blaming life for that. But it's still a life I'm trying to build for the better.

I ask myself constantly, "What's the point of all of this?" I answer myself every time with, "Love. Just love." I don't know that that truly answers the question in even the vaguest sense. And I roll my eyes at my own answer...why must I so grossly romanticized this?

This disaster believes so completely in love and its abilities that it has destroyed me over and over again. Or at least, that's what it feels like. I live to love others. I thrive on it, until I don't. And I wonder time and time again if I'm doing this wrong. Because I only have myself to blame, right?

I take on what's not mine. I feel guilty when it's not enough or I can do literally nothing. I've brought with me these same habits that have kept me "safe" until now. And yet, I'm nothing like I was.

But in the same way, I don't know who I am. I'm not even sure I know how to figure out who I am. It's terrifying and exhilarating. But more than anything it's just confusing. The contradictions in my life are seemingly unending. Some examples: I don't fully believe in God but I can't stop praying and talking to Him. Or the fact that I want to run away and yet I feel grounded and stable. A big one is that I seek to numb and pacify the waves of emotion that drag me down but my highest self feels deeply and allows space for the emotions to exist without making demands on them.

Coming back to the point, being a mess is acceptable. At least, I hope it is because I am one. And our messes are going to leak and merge and splatter on to other people's. While this is also acceptable, and inevitable, we have to take responsibility for those instances. It's not for them to clean it all up. We are in this together, despite how lonely life regularly seems.

And through these messy adventures, I apologize for whoever has been affected by the mess that is me. Perhaps more importantly though, you're not alone in this struggle. And you're not the only disaster there is. You're in good company.

Adventure #59: On This Day

"Have you ever just stopped and realized that if you hadn't met a certain person your entire life would be completely different?"

I moved into my own apartment on April 16th of 2017 and one might think that that was the catalyst to a new life. But in reality, and I know this to be absolute truth, my life was changed because of the visit that took place ten days later on April 26th. The differences began subtly. But as seems to happen with most progression, things snowballed.

After hearing the knock, I let the three of them in - Erin, Holley, and Crystal. I didn't know that one of them was one of the Relief Society presidents in the ward (or if I did, I had completely forgotten). I did know, or figured out rather quickly, that this was going to be an entertaining encounter. The conversation ranged from what I do in my day-to-day life to the upcoming movie releases and, of course, the superheroes on the posters in my living room. Crystal was quiet, observing and just mostly soaked in the conversation. Holley knew many things about the Marvel Universe and other such nerdy topics and shared her knowledge openly. Erin, who I found out was the RS president, asked insightful questions, the kind that proved she was listening and paying attention. By the end of this discussion, much laughter had been exchanged and my smile had gotten wider and wider.

Interestingly, one of our parting conversations foreshadowed events that I only teasingly suggested.

"If you want me for a specific calling, better snatch me up quick," I said, joking vainly. I remember Erin laughing and acknowledging the pretended urgency at the thought, but when I brought it up to her later, she didn't remember anything about it. Coincidental and convenient for upcoming events.

My memory, however, was clear when I met with Bishop three weeks later.

"We'd like you to be the secretary of Relief Society 2. Could you do that?" he asked.

A great part of me wanted to say no. Honestly, moving into this ward, I thought I would disappear for a while, fly under the radar maybe. That's what I wanted to do anyway. My faith was not where it had been, so the desire to reject the call was strong. But I knew this calling meant working with Erin and she had already won a fair portion of my loyalty and support in just the two weeks I had known her.

"I can do that," I finally affirmed.

And that was that. I became a part of the ward. It's not something I had planned to seek out and it didn't happen immediately but, piece by piece, I became a part of this family. My belonging was established and before I knew it, the amount of love - for me and in me for others - was undeniable and unforgettable.

The initial visit was the catalyst for not only my further RS involvement but also for my friendship with Erin. Then with Stacey. And Ashley and Alaina, and Jenele. And Paige. It led to meeting Leah on the way to the Relief Society retreat and then, in later months, her telling me to "get out" over and over again (to which I mostly refused). Watching What's Up Doc? Rachel and Erin soon followed. Numerous game nights. Flag football with RedD as DJ. Ward council and new member meetings with Kiel. The House of Eight: Ryan, Kyle, Jordan. Sending random memes to Jane. Scores of memorable people who have successfully, and with little resistance from me, become integral to my life. The characters of which I will value and hold dear for the course of my life. Miraculous - every single one of them is a miracle.

And they have made the subsequent adventures most enjoyable.

Adventure #58: Gratitude

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~Melody Beattie

It's been a debate for a few days now whether to put this up or not. But in the end, I decided it was worth sharing for anyone who wanted to be there but couldn't make it. These are a few of my thoughts on gratitude. Thank you for reading them (but sorry about the length...haha...). Enjoy your adventures!

Hello everyone! While I am somewhat excited to be up here, my nerves have now had over a month to build, so I will admit right now that I’m far more nervous today than I would have been four weeks ago but we’ll get through this together and see how this goes.

My name is Melody. I typically introduce myself with a list of three random things about me that apply somewhere in my talk. I’m going to do something similar but considering I was assigned to speak on gratitude, I’m going to list three things I’m grateful for instead.

●     I am grateful for Star Wars. Lightsabers, the Force, everything.

●     I am grateful for Chinese food. It’s definitely among my favorites.

●     I am grateful for Isaiah. I’ve always found comfort and guidance in his words.

As mentioned, I was asked to speak on gratitude. So one would think that I’d take this opportunity to express my appreciation for this chance, right? Objectively, this is the perfect moment for that kind of sentiment - that I would be grateful to be standing here today. That sort of statement has just a hint of irony because of the topic and would show how clever I can be as well as set a good example leading into a discussion of the importance and power of gratitude - which I absolutely believe in, by the way. However, in this circumstance, I’m not going to say that I’m grateful to be standing here (even though it turns out I really am). However, I won’t say it at this time because I can tell you that accepting this request was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. And I’ll briefly explain why.

Imagine this: Several Sundays ago, I was sitting at our kitchen table, cry-venting to a roommate about the state of my faith. This wasn’t the first time I’d done this that week (she had been exceptionally patient with me). But part of the cause of my difficulty was due to a decision that was about to be made - one I was struggling to accept. It was the culmination and conclusion of several months of discussion, during which I had become frustrated and discouraged. And while this is a somewhat a simplification of the events that had led me there, I expressed to her in that moment that I would like to just be done. To just walk away from all of this and give it up for good. She implored me to give her and everyone else a chance - to hold on a bit longer. Specifically, she said this: “I’m only just finding out about this. Let me - let us - help you before you decide to walk away.” And - while I’ll never admit it - my heart did soften and deep, deep, deep down what she said felt right.

If it wasn’t in that instant, it was really close to it that I got the text from Bro Myers asking me to speak today. My roommate described it to me later but my face apparently registered terror, confusion, and just an all-around sense of what the heck??? (This is exactly how I felt but those were her words). At that point, I was crying harder and shaking all over. I was practically in a state of shock. So I didn’t respond right away, mostly because it felt like I was facing a significant crossroads.

And I hadn’t faced a choice like it before, as far as I can remember. I could have said no, which would have likely been the first step in just walking away forever. And even though I’m not always great at saying no, that day I knew I could have gone either way. As you can see however, that’s not what happened. Obviously, I said yes because here I am. And while I’m not entirely sure that I’m the person that should be standing up here today or ever, you’re all stuck with me. Don’t you feel so lucky?

What began then and has continued until now was weeks of research, some humbling, more prayers than I had said in this year up to that point, and a whole lot of coincidences. Or what I called coincidences until faced with something I couldn’t deny.

Albert Einstein put it this way: “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” What that means, and what I’ve learned and re-learned over this time of reflection, is that coincidence is not coincidence at all. God is in everything and gratitude is how we find Him in it.

Sister Bonnie Parkin in her 2007 general conference address gave us this perspective: “Gratitude is a Spirit-filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God.” This universe is absolutely filled with God’s influence. She then adds, “Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God’s love.”

Similarly, Elder Uchtdorf once said, “How blessed we are if we recognize God’s handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life. Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens perception and clears our vision...Gratitude is a catalyst to all Christlike attributes.”

This concept, this theme has undeniably been present in this journey. The same day I got the text about speaking, I received a blessing from a dear friend that specifically said: “God is in the minute details of your life, in every day. Some days it is so small but if you look, He is there.” The powerful part of that moment was that he whispered those words. I had to be paying attention to recognize the strength in that promise. Later in the week, while we were on Temple Square for stake temple night, I spent some time in the visitor’s center where some missionaries shared their thoughts with me, which included: “Look for Him in the little details and don’t deny the Spirit.” Over and over again, this message kept resurfacing: He is there. Look for Him. Are you looking?

So I tried. And even though Yoda says, “Do or do not. There is no try,” I don’t think anyone will be surprised by what happened. When you open your heart, even just a bit, to the Lord’s influence in your life, He is so easy to find. He isn’t hiding. He isn’t intentionally keeping you in the dark. He is waiting for you to acknowledge His presence through gratitude. According to Sister Parkin, “Gratitude requires awareness and effort, not only to feel it but to express it.”

With that in mind, I’d like to tell you about a few of the places I found Him then. One evening, we were eating Chinese food. And what always comes with Chinese food? Fortune cookies. These cookies get mocked for their regular lack of actual “fortune.” But this isn’t the first time that one of these cookies has definitely been meant for me. Here’s what it said: “You have the ability to sense and know higher truth.” The fortune cookie knew what I need to hear! Or maybe since Heavenly Father knew I was looking for Him, He decided that this was an opportunity to talk to me. It’s possible even cares about which fortune cookie we get, maybe. After all, Doc & Cov says, “...those who receive ALL things with thankfulness shall be made glorious…” That applies to fortune cookies, right?

Okay, how about a slightly more consequential example? A different day, I was again at our kitchen table with a different roommate (I’m not sure what it is about the kitchen table that causes these conversations). She remembered a scripture that she had read recently with my name in it. I suspected that I knew which one she meant because I’ve always loved it for vain reasons. I mean, I also love it because, first of all, it’s Isaiah and he is my favorite. Secondly, it’s one of those scriptures that I turn to when I need comfort because of its power of reassurance. This is what it says:

(Isaiah 51:3) “For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.”

Five years ago, I wrote about this scripture in my journal. This is what I thought then: “Perhaps it is a coincidence that my name is at the end of this scripture. However, I believe less and less in luck or happenstance because I’m seeing more and more that each event in a life has a purpose.” That was five years ago! Coincidence? I think not!

So joy, gladness, thanksgiving, and the voice of me will be found there - what more could you want from a place? Honestly though...what this says to me is that the Lord is going to take everything, all the waste places, wilderness, and deserts we go through, and make them beautiful. He already is, in fact. As we continue to see through the eyes of gratitude, we are more fully able to acknowledge that beauty, feel it, and express it.

Sister Parkin posed two questions: How do you feel when someone expresses gratitude to you? How do you feel when you express gratitude to another? These are two of the best feelings there are! When someone expresses their gratitude to me, I realize that I haven’t gone unnoticed and that someone cares enough to remind me. And when I express it to another, my love for them expands and more light comes into my life. This is the same when we make the effort to express it to God.

One final story as I wrap up: When we play games, and need to draw a certain card or roll a specific number or whatever to win, the roommate I have yet to mention proceeds to say, “I hope you’ve been living righteously.” And when it’s down to just two people, she adds, “I guess we’ll see who’s been the most righteous.” Along this line of thinking, I submit that whoever has been most grateful has been most righteous because, going back to Elder Uchtdorf’s quote, gratitude is a catalyst for all Christlike attributes. When we are willing to open our hearts and minds to gratitude, it seems only natural that faith, hope, charity, virtue, knowledge, humility, and more would also find their way in.

And not only are we able to gain these but gratitude is also an expression of them. Sister Parkin put it this way, “As we pray and express gratitude to a loving but unseen Heavenly Father, we are also expressing our faith in Him. Gratitude is our sweet acknowledgement of the Lord’s hand in our lives.” And Elder Uchtdorf said: “It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will.” Growing in gratitude will prove the Lord - we will see where He is in our lives in the present and the past. This will then show that He can and will be in our futures. We discover that we can trust Him in all things and be grateful to Him in them as well. This gratitude will then lead us to the development of those Christlike traits that will further our progression to our highest selves.

It has been recommended to me several times during this process that when we have questions, we should start with what we know. So here’s what I know but also what I’d like to know more of. I know the Lord is there. I know He is in the little and the big things. Coincidence is not coincidence at all but instead, the Lord’s hand in our lives. I know that this is one of the many ways in which He shows His love for His children. We are those children and He loves us more than we can comprehend at this time. And as we are looking, as we feel and express gratitude to the people in our lives and to Him, we will grow in that love and it will change us. I plan to continue looking for Him in all things and I hope you will too.

Adventure #57: Starting Again

"So take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again."  
-Frank Sinatra

How often are we allowed to start again? In anything? For me, it's about every 5 seconds. And I don't know if I'm allowed that many chances but I take them! Which is why I'm writing this...right now...instead of two months ago when I actually set the goal to start writing again.

I meant to start again in January and then again in February but here we are in March. And while my brain likes to tell me that I shouldn't even bother because two months have already passed, I'm ignoring that voice and instead taking another chance that I may or may not deserve.

So for the rest of the year, I will be writing at least once a month. Or what will average once a month. 12 posts is what I'm saying. At least.

But for today, I wish you luck in starting again and again and again and one more time again. Enjoy your adventures!

Adventure #56: Generic Goodbye Letter

“Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.” ~ Trey Parker

I debated starting off this new year with goodbyes. But since I believe that the ‘good’ in goodbye is the opportunity for the next hello, as stated in my first blog post, which you can read here as a refresher, I came to the conclusion that goodbyes were actually an excellent place to start. So here we are.

What I didn’t discuss previously was the risk that comes with every goodbye. There’s a likelihood in every parting that there will not be another hello. There is also a chance that the goodbye is coupled with a permanent change. Like when someone moves, be it friends or parents or whoever, there’s still hellos in the future but circumstances are permanently altered, hence a permanent goodbye.

When my bishop was released last year, there was quite the upheaval in the equilibrium of that ward. Was it all negative? No. Was it lasting? Yes. I am grateful for both bishoprics? Absolutely. Goodbyes were said and so were hellos.

Many more things happened, mostly with people moving, like moving myself to a new town and and friends moving to different states and my parents buying a new house. But all were filled with goodbyes and hellos. And my life is permanently different.

And in some ways this is the hardest part for a person like me. I prefer consistency. I like things how they’ve always been, especially when they work. And I like it when the people I care about stick around. But that is not the nature of things that grow, that is not the nature of earth life. To grow, we must change. We’ll be stretched and find our limits but we will also find that most limits can’t actually hold us. It’s up to us to say when enough is enough.

Because of this learning, growing, changing life, I hope I find that for myself. That, in the coming year, I end up somewhere completely unexpected, living life better than I did last year (and I’m proud of how last year turned out. So that might be a taller order than I thought). But more on this another time.

I have one more thought on goodbyes, I’ve written a Generic Goodbye Letter. With permanence in mind, I wrote what my heart seems to say with every goodbye to anyone and anything. And if when you read it, you’ve felt the same way, feel free to share any stories you have with me. Also, if you need to use a copy of it at any point, please do, especially if it’ll help with your goodbyes.

I rarely can bring myself to say even the word goodbye. Goodbyes are the reason I started using, ‘Enjoy your adventures.’ And so that’s how I conclude here.

Enjoy your goodbye adventures.

Generic Goodbye Letter

Dear Sir or Madam,

I will miss you. Our time together has meant the world to me. I’m so glad I was able to meet you and learn from you. Because, for what seems to be the better, your influence has help shaped who I am. And this is what makes it most difficult for me to let you go.

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to forget who I was with you. I don’t want to forget our time together. We spent our adventures, mostly laughing. And when there were tears, we were together.

But that is not the case any further. I understand the reasons that both time and space must separate us. Our paths weren’t meant to be connected forever. However, the part of me created by our time spent together remains. And I am grateful for it.

Thank you for your time. It is and was a valuable commodity. I continue to feel the privilege of that gift. Thank you for your support. I knew that I could come to you for both comfort and motivation. You were there for me and I was blessed for it.

Finally, I hope you find the same thing in your pursuits. On whatever road you take, I hope there will be people to give you hope and courage. I pray you discover the strength or peace or whatever it is you are looking for. And most of all, I’m cheering for you, from here to the moon and back, with all the love I have.

Enjoy your adventures.

Warmest regards,

Me

Adventure #55: Transitioning

"You ready?" - Lorelai
"No." - Rory
"You ready?" - Lorelai
"Yes." - Rory
(Gilmore Girls)

In classes to become an elementary school teacher, we are advised to give children time to transition from one activity to the next. This is usually done with a procedure set up at the start of the year and is consistently followed so that students are trained and comfortable with the process but also so that learning moves at a fluid pace and less time is wasted...in theory.

Something similar has been used on me. Several of my friends have instigated the use of "transition words." Perhaps, they thought I was unaware that it was time to leave or say good night or whatever. But I was always aware, just unwilling to remove myself from the comforting presence of one I love. Each one, though, knew it was necessary and thoughtfully prepared me for the goodbye. And, even though I didn't want to be any sort of burden or inconvenience, each transition word, whether 'okay' or 'alright' or 'therefore,' came with a twinge of sadness.

I'm grateful, however, for the warning. In fact, the use of transition words became a tool for me. Like a child given the five minute signal, I knew I had a limited time to say or do the important things before the goodbye. This example has been portrayed on a grander scale for me this year. 2016 has been the year of 'prepare yourself' and every other month seemed to have had a drawn out 'soooo' attached to it.

I don't know if I've made the best use of my transitional periods or not. Even if you know you have one or two or four months before your friend is leaving, how can you know the time you were given was used adequately? Even if your parents are moving a month from now and you're not freaking out yet (which is a reaction everyone expects of you, even yourself), in fact you're excited for them, what happens when the freak out comes?

I've done more this year to change my life than any year previous. Starting Kung Fu, asking a boy out on a date, moving (same city, just a change of scenery), reading several books on boundaries and beginning to apply unheard of concepts, encouraging my best friend to move (and then discouraging it because I'm confusing and a conundrum and selfish), encouraging my parents to move (and as mentioned not panicking yet...) I'm proud of what's happened, both what I've done for myself and how I've handled things that come my way.

Mercifully, I have had transitional periods for all of these things though. They were built up to and I was able to rely on a step-by-step nature to the major changes especially. I can say I wasn't always graceful; I can definitely say I had stubborn moments, still do even. I can also attest to the fact that as I was willing to listen, God prepared me for each step. And He has been with me through everything -EVERYTHING - to get me here.

But this is a lesson that I'm relearning constantly. Life happens in transitional periods. Change is always looming but Heavenly Father prepares us if we align ourselves with His will. I can feel changes still coming but He always sends a transition word. And if I'm listening, I'll hear it and be prepared for all the adventures ahead.

Adventure #54: Messiness

It’s been a while and because of that, this entry is going to sound somewhat like a giant excuse but honestly, I’ve been pondering this for at least 3 months now. So here’s an obscure thought for the day.

“Life is messy, and we’re all a little screwed up in our own special snowflake kind of way.” - Mark Manson

Maybe it’s just part of growing up but I feel more and more confused all the time. I’ve hit the point where I’m trying to escape my own brain because the thinking going on is muddled and difficult and not producing the results I would like. I don’t know if this actually is because of the whole growing up thing or not but I’m going to blame it on that. Basically, everything I dislike I blame on “growing up.”

My point, you ask?

Life is messy. And much messier than I could have imagined. I might have had second thoughts about growing up if I had realized that NOTHING would make sense and clarity is the biggest myth of them all.

However, I am convinced that the greatest beauty is found in this mess. Diamond Rio sang it this way, “This morning I put salt in my coffee. I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Losing my mind, I swear….What a beautiful mess, what a beautiful mess I’m in.”

And that’s what we all face here.

Confusion.

Blurred lines.

Doubt.

GLORIOUS MESSINESS.

Life is made of these things. But it’s also designed for us to overcome these. And after 27 years, I’m finally starting to figure that out. I thought I’d had adventures before but it looks like there’s many more coming that I’m sure I’ll enjoy.

Enjoy your adventures!

Adventure #53: Being a Palmer

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." - W.C. Fields

No one knows who or what they're going to be before they are born. Parents can dream and imagine for you...maybe you'll be a genius, maybe an athlete, maybe a genius athlete. But at the very beginning, it's all undetermined. Except one thing: your name. I'm not referencing a first name but the name you have in common with parents and grandparents and various others who came before. As for myself, I'm a proud Palmer.

I didn't realize how proud until recently. I suppose weddings bring out all sorts of emotions, including pride and gratitude. Looking around the temple to see uncles, aunts, and cousins is a special sight. And it got me thinking...how blessed am I?

The answer? So blessed!

I was given the opportunity to grow up surrounded by this amazing extended family. Every Sunday spent at Grandma and Grandpa's - playing with cousins, being teased by uncles, laughing with aunts. Camping, fishing, adventuring - all of that time spent connecting and exploring truly important aspects of life. I realize not every moment was sunshine and rainbows but no matter what happened, we all seemed to realize we were in this together. And that has given me much to think about over the course of my life.

In many ways, I have been shaped by these interactions. I've seen kindness and humor shared. I've seen how each of my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins accept and embrace the people they come in contact with. I've watched how they deal with tragedy and disappointment in a realistic but faithful manner. They are the type of people who can make the best of any situation and choose to in every situation. Hundreds or thousands of my most memorable moments have been spent with the Palmer's.

I wish I could take the time required to adequately relay the lifetime of those moments. But each Sunday afternoon spent in Grandma and Grandpa's backyard is its own adventure. And the Saturdays of fishing trips, Easter camping outings, 4th of July and Labor Day parades, BBQ's, birthdays, get togethers just because we missed each other... I treasure every second spend in the presence of these glorious humans.

It doesn't seem like enough to just thank the whole family for being such a positive influence in my life. I hope to one day individualize that message. But for now know that I love and respect each of you. I admire your generosity and perseverance. And, as a Palmer, I am who I am because how each of you have touched my life.

I am enjoying my adventures with you all and I hope you are too. 

Adventure #52: Christmas Carols

"Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled." -Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Singing at our ward Christmas party was a rare treat. It was simple and low-key and full of joy. We sang everything from "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" to "O Holy Night." The unplanned nature of the time spent caroling around the piano made it feel like a family gathered just to celebrate the joyful season. And perhaps it was these circumstances that were the perfect setting for the thoughts that came as we sang "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."

The line written above had been sung by me probably once a year since I could sing. But I've never realized quite what it meant. And, especially what it meant to me. To be reconciled is one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. And what must it be like to be reconciled with my Creator! I've had glimpses of what that's like and I look forward to its completion. I recognize that such glimpses are due to the Savior that came and His part in bridging God and sinners. It wouldn't be possible to feel that peace and joy without Him.

This is a familiar testimony, stated many times throughout the world and the ages. And for me it continues to grow, influenced by those around me and the testimony they share, like in the instance of singing carols with my lovely ward which led to realizing what it means for God and sinners to be reconciled. So this Christmas season and as we start another year afresh, I just would like to add a few of my thoughts. 

I know that our Savior and Redeemer was born into this world to bridge us sinners with the Lord Omnipotent. That through His saving grace and infinite atonement, we can always start again, be renew, and be reconciled. As we allow Him into our lives, He has the chance to guide and strengthen us and give us opportunities to grow that we can experience in no other way. He is the source of peace for this earth and is the bridge and key to our return to our Heavenly Father.

May He bless all your adventures for the coming year!

Adventure #51: Fairytales

"Sandwiched between their 'Once Upon A Time' and 'Happily Ever After' they all experience great adversity." ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Sometimes I wonder if people are even paying attention. And then, I realize how many things I miss on a daily basis. Only one conclusion can be reached: I know no one is paying attention. One such instant blindsided me. I was sitting in a marriage-prep class (a rare moment itself) and the teacher begins criticizing fairytales. By the of the "discussion" on "unrealistic expectations" and "you can't marry someone to change them," I was convinced she'd never actually watched or read a fairytale in her life.

Whether or not she had is somewhat irrelevant because her words lit a fire in my mind. Agree or disagree, she'd gotten me thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know). Isn't that the goal of all teachers? So research and ponder, I did!

When I hit upon the quote above, I started relating all fairytales I knew to it (mostly Disney but a few others). In these stories, before anyone even got close to a Happily Ever After, there were floors to be scrubbed and dishes to wash. There was yelling and crying and hiding. There was pain and loss (I'm talking about more than just shoes here, people). They faced malice and opposition and misunderstandings. They were under-appreciated and under-estimated. The couples were often separated and had to search and fight to be reunited.

Perhaps, in the end, each of the couples could have benefitted from some couples counseling but, having faced adversity before their Happily Ever After began, meant that they already knew they were stronger together. And, with that in mind, they were in no way disillusioned that life would be sunshine and rainbows from that point on - we just didn't have access to that part of the story. Through this they learned to face whatever came...together.

If memory serves, one of the teacher's points in this section of the lesson was, "Don't marry the Beast because you think you can change him." I agree with the statement but it doesn't actually fit the story. The Beast had already been changed and he was suffering because of it. While it took some effort, patience, and kindness on the part of Belle, she saw the goodness of the soul behind the aching facade. This in no way excuses his behavior - he could have treated Belle and others around him much better. He could have reacted much better to his situation than he did. But aren't we all guilty of that?

What happens if we just believe in the people around us?

Surprises, in the form of miracles, happen constantly.

I understand that all of this changes based on the circumstances but fairytales exist to help us learn to face whatever comes. That, in these varying circumstances, no matter how scary, we can be brave and true and, most of all, kind. We should gather from their adventures what wisdom we can and apply that wisdom as we enjoy our adventures. And, this is what that teacher seemed to have missed entirely.

Adventure #50: I'm Back!

"Sometimes the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while."

Because of my absence the past couple months, I've decided to write a post every week this month instead of just once. My goal is every Monday in November (since that covers my usual day - the 9th). So keep an eye out. As for today, here's a thought that started sometime in October about a few things I've missed!

Here's the dumb thing about today: Nostalgia. Every year, about this time - in the autumns of infinite promise - this longing begins anew. It doesn't crave any specific place or time but instead yearns for those whose lives intertwined with mine but have since ceased. I get nostalgic for people.

Most often, I'm grateful for this remembrance. I look at my life knowing I was blessed, even for a moment, by the influence of these glorious people. And, then my heart recognizes the loss. The love for them echoes through the space left there by our interactions.

I miss playing Star Wars Stratego with you and riding our bikes to the library and swimming pool. And, how you knew my mind and heart and considered me.

I miss texting you in every instant that we couldn't be together. And, how you'd used our nicknames and inside jokes so entirely. And, our superhero moments and how comfortable we were at our best.

I miss the Norweigian you wrote with the magnets on our fridge and making mango cookies. And, how you would say, "What had happened was..." And, your opinions on films and how we could talk about that stuff for so long.

There are more. There are SO many more! Because I have been loved and have been blessed to love. I know that is why I long for people. And, I'm grateful to be missing you.

Adventure #49: Guest Post - Storytelling

by Sharon Palmer

This was a blog post on my “50 Things to do While I am 50” Blog written three years
ago. It is as pertinent today as it was then. Enjoy.

It has long been my opinion that God is the greatest storyteller. He is the example for the rest of us
storytellers. He creates his characters, a world for them to populate, and gives them a problem to solve. He knows the beginning and the end of the story and, through the gift of their free agency, allows His characters to write the middle. Just when His characters are feeling good about themselves and the world they live in, He throws in plot twists to help them grow and discover more about themselves and their world, and ultimately to become like Him, a divine creator of stories.

I suppose, thinking about it, in any act of creation, be it storytelling, art, music, or imaginative play, God would be that greatest. Each subject has its medium, its own laws to govern the project, its own point where the creator spins it into being, guiding it, never forcing it, to its completion. We all know that a project that is forced rings false. Truth is the purpose of creation.

Any of us who have participated in a creation realize that God is not a manipulator. WE, as creators, are not manipulators. The story, the painting, the sculpture, the symphony, has a say in its own creation. It is no accident that creators say their pieces speak to them or uncover themselves to the creators.

As a creator I am delighted when my creation takes on a life of its own and surprises me with ideas that I hadn’t considered, but once presented, make sense and the story couldn’t be as wonderful without them.

I am grateful that I have the opportunity to create. It is the closest thing to being God that I have. Well, except for being a parent, which is a whole other blog post.



Author Biography:

Sharon Palmer is a Speech-Language Pathologist, a freelance writer, and a philosophical wonderer. She has a husband and three daughters who keep her grounded and on the moral straight and narrow. You can find her philosophical wonderings at alighttotheworld.blogspot.com.

Adventures-To-Be

Dear Readers and Self,

You may have noticed that there is not a post this month...well, not to make excuses (I'm about to make some excuses) but due to an increase in responsibilities, I'm going to put this writing on hold. This hiatus will last until -at least- Oct 9th but possibly Nov 9th. Upon my return, you can expect to hear a bit about change and a bit about moving forward and a bit about magic and love. Most of these things, I've touched on previously but I've gained some new perspective that perhaps might interest you. Thank you for your understanding and I will see you in the fall!

Enjoy your adventures,
Melody

Adventure #48: Importance

Moses 1:10: "And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed."

Frustration with humanity has been a thing for me lately and I've been trying to figure out why. At work the other day, I was so frustrated that I was in tears. I would have crawled under my desk to get away from the world except I was the only there to answer the phones at the time (sometimes responsibility is very grounding. Other times (the majority of the time), I wish I could escape it). Nevertheless, I was rooted there until relief came.

The cause of such a state was a boss's boss lecturing me on how to put people on hold. The matter seems truly trivial at this point...but back then it was a last straw sort of moment. And the rest of the day did not get any better. But somewhere in the day, perhaps an hour or so later, I had an epiphany - what I've been calling a miracle moment.

Somewhere between wanting to crawl under my desk, crying and flipping a table to storm out, I realized it didn't actually bother me. Or at least I knew that I was in a position to not let it bother me. I was doing my best and I will continue to do so as long as I work there. And while I still did get lost on occasion through the intensity of certain phone calls and conflicting demands, that realization carried me through the rest of the day. I love that even in the worst of days there are miracle moments.

Amid processing this, my thoughts went to the question: "What makes him more important that me? And why, for the love of mustard, is putting people on hold such a big deal?" But mostly the first question. In the grand scheme of things, neither him nor I have even an ounce of importance. That's when the scripture above came to mind. And I remember feeling similar to Moses, in that I never had supposed the nothingness of man to that degree.

These were the thoughts that freed me that day. I was surprised at just how freeing it was to be nothing and to realize I wasn't any more or less as all the other humans. Because this also led to discovering that even if I am nothing, I am something to the Being that is everything. To be loved by Someone so much bigger than myself must mean I'm okay or at least I have plenty of potential to be.

Mostly it was just nice to level the playing field and to learn that, just as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Adventure #47: Sharing Food

"If you really want to make a friend, go to someone's house and eat with him... the people who give you their food give you their heart." ~ Cesar Chavez

So, unlike Joey from Friends, I do share food. I also love it when people share with me. With that in mind, here's what I've noticed about sharing food:

• The offer, even if it isn't accepted, always puts a smile on the faces of those involved.
• When we are at a loss for what to do for someone, we provide food.
• Since food is one of the basic necessities of survival, giving food to someone is saying, "I want you to survive. Take what I have to help you live because I want you to stay alive. That's how much you mean to me."
• It never ceases to amaze me how often I feel fuller by sharing.

The quote at the top also expresses the sentiment, "the people who give you their food give you their heart." Cheesy? Nice way to top a pizza at least? Perhaps, but all the same it is true. There's a reason that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I submit that that actually applies to all humans. And the opposite side to that then is that those doing the sharing, also share their heart as the quote states. 

Therefore...

When I offer you food:

• Take it.
• If you are not actually hungry or truly despise the dish, politely (or impolitely - I won't tell you entirely how to live your life...) refuse. I will understand but I will probably try to find something else you would like.
• Do not feel guilty accepting. Ever. I am willing to share both to be kind and because I care about you. I extend the offer because I want you to live and I will help that continue however I can.
• I will offer food when I find out you are going through a hard time. In many ways, this is my version of hugging. I can't always tell if a person would be open to a hug in that instant so I will take another route to help - through food.
• Finally, AND THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE, if I ever say to you, "Would you like a blue fruit snack?" you can be assured that you mean the world to me. Blue fruit snacks are the rarest and most favorite of all the foods. If I ever give you one, that means you are set with me - I will care about you forever.

This has been another installment of Sharing is Caring. Tune in next time when we interview those crazies to turn down food from their friends...

(PS: If you ever offer me blue food - especially in fruit snack form - you'll will probably never be able to get rid of me from that point on. Blue food is commitment food. So be prepared.)

Adventure #46: Gears

"Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use." ~Charles M. Schulz

The design of gears is that they are simultaneously moving toward and away from each other as they turn. While I think this is a fascinating fact, it makes me wonder if there are times in our lives that we have to move away from some things as we progress toward others. Perhaps, like gears, we'll come full circle, thus returning to the original point.

Also I wonder, like the gears, if we ever fully know the purpose for our turning. Gears definitely don't see their place in the passing of the time on the giant clock or in the rushing of the amusement park ride for the guests' enjoyment. Without gears, we couldn't open cans or listen to a music box. In this way, perhaps, we are gears that play a part in the movement of the universe.

This then leads me to the conclusion that a single gear does not a machine make. We need one another to move us, inspire us to move. Just as a single gear on its own has little or no effect, we can have a greater impact when we connect with others and together get the gears turning. That's when the adventures begin.

Adventure #45: The 10th Anniversary!

"...what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if trials in this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are [His] mercies in disguise?" - Laura Story, Blessings

Happy Official Stop and Smell the Roses Day!!!

Granted, a few days late but the sentiment is still there! I hope everyone had a splendid April 28th. Mine was especially interesting this year...haha...and it made me rather reflective. I took a look back on what the previous years have been and I realized a few things I'd like to share.

The first thing I realized is that I've been celebrating this holiday for ten years. This year is its 10th anniversary!!! Hence, the title of this post...

Next, every Stop and Smell the Roses day has be spent very differently. And all have been - at least in part - how the day is supposed to be.

So finally, I've discovered that I've had to fight for this day every year. Even it's origin was essentially to stop an argument (see this post). There was a year that I had to take my first car, Guido, to the junkyard on this day (I was actually quite devastated by this, thank you very much!). I've had finals on this day for at least two of the years. One year I had to get up at 6 am for a moving sale that went to like 3 or something. I've worked through it in various years (though I have also skipped work and school for it other years). One year, my grandma died the day before. So yeah, a battle every year.

That brings us to this year. This whole entire year has not been easy on me, especially emotionally. My anxieties have been higher than ever, mostly due to going nonstop with school and work full time. So when my car started acting up the night before my day, I was stressed. I am a little ashamed to admit it but my only thought process was: Why does this have to happen before my holiday? I was letting myself relax! I was feeling happier than I have let myself feel in months.

Now I recognized that this was a problem. I should let myself be happier more often (I'm working on it!). But I was very focused on how much I didn't want this Stop and Smell the Roses day to be such a battle. And by the end of the night, after complaining to my darling roommates, I had decided that the next day was going to be a good day.

When the morning came, I was still recovering from the emotional let down of the car problems. But I had the opportunity to go shopping for work with my roommate, Lindsay. Amid the many adventures, we did discuss once again how I was feeling about my holiday. I expressed similar sentiments as before but also that I'd never not turned one of these days around. They always turned out. This is when she asked me possibly the most important question I've ever been asked.

"Have you ever thought that maybe you don't have to do it alone?'

I was a bit confused. So I asked, "What do you mean?"

This brilliant girl answered simply and powerfully, "The Atonement is meant to be used for more than just repentance and overcoming sins."

She continued to express her thoughts on this. I apologize here to you, Lindsay, because I was only half listening after that first sentence. I say this because after she said Atonement I knew she was right. I knew I could and needed to turn to my Savior with this. I felt it. Every time I came back to her question and the answer (which was like every other minute on OSASTRD), I could feel it again.

In my reflective state then, I've discovered a new level to Official Stop and Smell the Roses Day. While some years are going to be harder than others, I will never have to face them alone. The Savior wants every day to be like Stop and Smell the Roses day for us. And the best way to do this is to turn to Him in all things...in made up holidays and car troubles even.

And when you forget this...when I forget this, as I've unfortunately done, I truly appreciate those blessed friends who remind me who I need to be taking these things to. Thank you for helping me with my adventures.

Adventure #44: Averageness

"Being average means you are as close to the bottom as you are to the top." ~John Wooden

I guess I've always thought I am average. At everything I do in my life and as a person in general. Or at least I've thought that I'm not exceptional at anything, especially not any one thing. So I've always thought that meant I'm average.

Average intelligence.
Average abilities.
Average human.

Recently, it has been proposed that being average is unacceptable. Like a couple days ago in General Conference:

"There is no room for average or complacent disciples. Average is the enemy of excellence, and average commitment will prevent you from enduring to the end."

Hearing that, I nearly gave up right then. If average is the "enemy of excellence," then I must be the lowest sort of scum on the earth. Within the idea of being average, I have believed also that exceptional was out of my reach. This led to thinking that average is all I will ever be and by default enduring to the end isn't even in the range of my possibilities.

At that time, I felt discouraged and so I quit listening. I thought: I'm not enough and how could I ever be? In that attitude, I continued with my day. But Heavenly Father must have been watching. I can only guess that He might have thrown up His arms whilst shaking His head at my condition. Because then I can imagine Him smiling at an idea. And this is what followed.

I found myself with a few rare moments of alone time with my mother, who I found out quickly, felt similarly discouraged to this idea of average. We discussed how our expectations for ourselves are so high that excellence is virtually unattainable and we should probably take it a little easier on ourselves. Especially when hearing direction like above, we should take stock of our situation and attitude but not jump automatically to the conclusion that this message was obviously to let us know how much we are failing. Because we're not. We're really not.

Sharon Palmer is not a woman I would ever label as average. She is a remarkable person - wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, etc. Pianist, vocalist, chorister, speech therapist, teacher, writer, Relief Society president, etc. I mean, she earned her Master's degree while working full-time as a speech therapist and keeping her family going. She's written numerous books - some of them more than once. She taught piano off and on all through my growing up. She's always attended our events - concerts, games, etc. She welcomes anyone into her home - sometimes to stay. There were times when she carried our family. Other times she has been known to drag our family. Basically, she's essential to our family! And, she doesn't seem to do anything by halves. She has wisdom and determination beyond her years and silliness to relate to any age. My mom is an EXCEPTIONAL woman.

So when we started discussing how similarly we felt about our "averageness," I was mildly surprised. But it helped me realize that I wasn't alone in this. It even made sense for it to be my mom who I could relate to entirely on this. In this discussion then, we asked, "What is average? How is that even determined?" For me, this is a crucial point. Since we are advised not to compare, average must be determined on a personal level. We each have within us average and exceptional so we have to discover it for ourselves.

What is my average then?

I feel like I bring more questions to these writings than answers. Because I don't yet have a complete answer to what my average is. But I have realized that I'm doing better than I thought. I know I can still improve. I have exceptional and average moments still but I don't think I'm failing like I'd concluded before. I will also continue to look into averages so that I can understand where my excellence begins.

But for now, I guess the real point of this exposition was to brag on my brilliant mother a bit. And to inform anyone else reading this, with similar feelings of average and excellence, that you are doing much better than you think. I'd go so far as to advise acknowledging your excellence! You are exceptional humans! Give yourself a break because you are doing such good work and enjoying your adventures! As it should be!

Adventure #43: Living Joyfully

"Happiness here and now consists in freely, lovingly, joyfully acknowledging God's will for us -- and doing it in all ways and all affairs big and small." ~ Ezra Taft Benson

*SPOILER ALERT* For the Provo YSA 138th ward (especially its Relief Society members), this is a preview of my RS lesson for this coming Sunday. Do not continue reading if you want that to remain a complete mystery. If you'd like to know a bit of what's heading your way, please keep reading. Thank you.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...

If you've ever read You Are Special by Max Lucado, then you know all about gray dots and gold stars and what they mean when another Wemmick sticks them to you. If you haven't read it, then I recommend a read and then a re-read. However, I'm going to proceed with this entry as if you have all read it.

Recently, my days have been filled with gray dots. And, I must admit that many, many of these gray dots have stuck to me. Saturday was an especially dense gray dot day. Possibly of my own design and I said such to my roommate who then said this:

"Hon, they're not your idea, they're Satan's. He's the one who wants you to feel bad about yourself. I mean, I totally understand feeling down because of any of those things. But just remember that no matter how tough things are in the moment, you'll outlast them!"

Spectacular wisdom, wouldn't you say? I do. And as I've been preparing my lesson for this week, I found that Pres. Benson also agrees. This is what he said:

"There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you."

Both of these astute people direct our attention to the fact that some of what we think isn't our own creation. Do we really want to think badly of ourselves? I know I don't but up to this point hadn't ever made that connection. I recognize have the choice to accept this negativity or reject it for the light that Heavenly Father will let in once I do. Like Eli in You Are Special, He will always be there to show us how He feels about us - no gray dots or gold stars matter to Him. Beyond that, nothing Satan says to us can even touch what our great Creator knows about us individually.

Now I would also like to point out that Lindsay, the roommate who gave the advice above, is also in charge of assigning teachers in Relief Society. I was picked for this lesson less than 24 hours after she gave me that original advice.

I haven't asked her yet, so I don't know but there's a chance she read the lesson and applied her knowledge here. However, this isn't the first time that her advice and point of view has been so exactly on-target. From this experience and many before, I acknowledge that she is both bright and brilliant and also chooses to rely on our Heavenly Father to direct her words and actions for the benefit of all she encounters. And therefore, I sense a divine fingerprint integral in the arranging of these circumstances.

So how do we live joyfully? Free from grays dots and gold stars? Be like Punchinello - visit your Maker every day. Reject the negativity thrown at you from the deceiver. As is unavoidable, when you find yourself in those moments of despair, remember that you will outlast the devil. And, anytime you are willing to turn to your Father in Heaven, He is waiting for you with open arms. These are just a few of the adventures we are here to enjoy!