Adventure #62: Worst Case Scenario

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." - Hayley Williams

Breaking an ankle is quite an experience. Though I imagine breaking any bone is for that matter. The realization that walking isn't going to be a possibility hits immediately. And, at least for me, I recalled fondly what the use of two good legs was like. Not to mention, I recognized how I had taken for granted some basic but amazing abilities.

Six months ago today, at about this time actually, I was laying in a hospital bed waiting to be taken to surgery to correct the fracture of my fibula and dislocation of my talus (picture below).

It was a journey even getting to the day of surgery but that's not the story I'm telling today. Today is about the Worst Case Scenario.

Leading up to surgery, I had met with the surgeon a few times, as was needed. Some of the complications were making surgery difficult and too risky. There were moments that were easy to take it one step at a time (haha..) and other moments that I lost all hope and ability to see this situation as anything but the worst.

In one of these lower moments, I was reminded of something the doctor had said. He had said that the worst case scenario is that I'd be walking again in 6 months from surgery. It would likely be shorter but 6 months was a guarantee. So I started a countdown in my phone to today.

I'm happy to report that it didn't take 6 months. By March 21st (approx. 2 weeks after surgery), I was cleared to return to work and had a boot to boot. (I'm so funny!) On April 18th, I was given the okay to start putting weight on my foot (my brain objected to such an idea at first but eventually accepted this as a good thing). May 3rd, I started physical therapy and took my first official steps without crutches. And when my last PT appointment (August 7th) came around I was walking on the treadmill in every direction, doing the grapevine across the room, and we had given the boot the boot a month and a half before. (In fact, where did I put it? I don't even remember...)

I can also tell you that some of the absolute worst and some of the positively best moments of my life happened in those 6 months. I experienced so much love from others and for others. And I experienced days that being numb didn't seem like enough to get me through. But what I've learned from all this...whatever is happening right now - whatever you are going through, facing, just barely getting out of bed to deal with, whatever it is - your life has the potential to be completely different in 6 months.

To reach that though, some effort is involved but so is rest and reflection. And it takes choosing every day to move forward. A lot of days feel like a step backward but where you end up is leagues from where you started. There's a chance you won't even know yourself when you get there. I don't fully recognized myself. But there's no part of me that wants to go back. And I'm grateful for the journey, for the continued confusion, and for the people who loved me through it and beyond.

Who knows, maybe you'll end up part cyborg, like me (picture below). Now that is an adventure!

Adventure #61: Not Who I Expect

"We're all rough drafts of the people we're becoming." ~ Bob Goff

Of my millions of thoughts, this one won't stop replaying in my mind: I am the farthest I have ever been from who I thought I was and the closest I have ever been to the person I never thought I could be. I'm a mess. I'm a beautiful, broken disaster and I keep blaming life for that. But it's still a life I'm trying to build for the better.

I ask myself constantly, "What's the point of all of this?" I answer myself every time with, "Love. Just love." I don't know that that truly answers the question in even the vaguest sense. And I roll my eyes at my own answer...why must I so grossly romanticized this?

This disaster believes so completely in love and its abilities that it has destroyed me over and over again. Or at least, that's what it feels like. I live to love others. I thrive on it, until I don't. And I wonder time and time again if I'm doing this wrong. Because I only have myself to blame, right?

I take on what's not mine. I feel guilty when it's not enough or I can do literally nothing. I've brought with me these same habits that have kept me "safe" until now. And yet, I'm nothing like I was.

But in the same way, I don't know who I am. I'm not even sure I know how to figure out who I am. It's terrifying and exhilarating. But more than anything it's just confusing. The contradictions in my life are seemingly unending. Some examples: I don't fully believe in God but I can't stop praying and talking to Him. Or the fact that I want to run away and yet I feel grounded and stable. A big one is that I seek to numb and pacify the waves of emotion that drag me down but my highest self feels deeply and allows space for the emotions to exist without making demands on them.

Coming back to the point, being a mess is acceptable. At least, I hope it is because I am one. And our messes are going to leak and merge and splatter on to other people's. While this is also acceptable, and inevitable, we have to take responsibility for those instances. It's not for them to clean it all up. We are in this together, despite how lonely life regularly seems.

And through these messy adventures, I apologize for whoever has been affected by the mess that is me. Perhaps more importantly though, you're not alone in this struggle. And you're not the only disaster there is. You're in good company.

Adventure #59: On This Day

"Have you ever just stopped and realized that if you hadn't met a certain person your entire life would be completely different?"

I moved into my own apartment on April 16th of 2017 and one might think that that was the catalyst to a new life. But in reality, and I know this to be absolute truth, my life was changed because of the visit that took place ten days later on April 26th. The differences began subtly. But as seems to happen with most progression, things snowballed.

After hearing the knock, I let the three of them in - Erin, Holley, and Crystal. I didn't know that one of them was one of the Relief Society presidents in the ward (or if I did, I had completely forgotten). I did know, or figured out rather quickly, that this was going to be an entertaining encounter. The conversation ranged from what I do in my day-to-day life to the upcoming movie releases and, of course, the superheroes on the posters in my living room. Crystal was quiet, observing and just mostly soaked in the conversation. Holley knew many things about the Marvel Universe and other such nerdy topics and shared her knowledge openly. Erin, who I found out was the RS president, asked insightful questions, the kind that proved she was listening and paying attention. By the end of this discussion, much laughter had been exchanged and my smile had gotten wider and wider.

Interestingly, one of our parting conversations foreshadowed events that I only teasingly suggested.

"If you want me for a specific calling, better snatch me up quick," I said, joking vainly. I remember Erin laughing and acknowledging the pretended urgency at the thought, but when I brought it up to her later, she didn't remember anything about it. Coincidental and convenient for upcoming events.

My memory, however, was clear when I met with Bishop three weeks later.

"We'd like you to be the secretary of Relief Society 2. Could you do that?" he asked.

A great part of me wanted to say no. Honestly, moving into this ward, I thought I would disappear for a while, fly under the radar maybe. That's what I wanted to do anyway. My faith was not where it had been, so the desire to reject the call was strong. But I knew this calling meant working with Erin and she had already won a fair portion of my loyalty and support in just the two weeks I had known her.

"I can do that," I finally affirmed.

And that was that. I became a part of the ward. It's not something I had planned to seek out and it didn't happen immediately but, piece by piece, I became a part of this family. My belonging was established and before I knew it, the amount of love - for me and in me for others - was undeniable and unforgettable.

The initial visit was the catalyst for not only my further RS involvement but also for my friendship with Erin. Then with Stacey. And Ashley and Alaina, and Jenele. And Paige. It led to meeting Leah on the way to the Relief Society retreat and then, in later months, her telling me to "get out" over and over again (to which I mostly refused). Watching What's Up Doc? Rachel and Erin soon followed. Numerous game nights. Flag football with RedD as DJ. Ward council and new member meetings with Kiel. The House of Eight: Ryan, Kyle, Jordan. Sending random memes to Jane. Scores of memorable people who have successfully, and with little resistance from me, become integral to my life. The characters of which I will value and hold dear for the course of my life. Miraculous - every single one of them is a miracle.

And they have made the subsequent adventures most enjoyable.

Adventure #58: Gratitude

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~Melody Beattie

It's been a debate for a few days now whether to put this up or not. But in the end, I decided it was worth sharing for anyone who wanted to be there but couldn't make it. These are a few of my thoughts on gratitude. Thank you for reading them (but sorry about the length...haha...). Enjoy your adventures!

Hello everyone! While I am somewhat excited to be up here, my nerves have now had over a month to build, so I will admit right now that I’m far more nervous today than I would have been four weeks ago but we’ll get through this together and see how this goes.

My name is Melody. I typically introduce myself with a list of three random things about me that apply somewhere in my talk. I’m going to do something similar but considering I was assigned to speak on gratitude, I’m going to list three things I’m grateful for instead.

●     I am grateful for Star Wars. Lightsabers, the Force, everything.

●     I am grateful for Chinese food. It’s definitely among my favorites.

●     I am grateful for Isaiah. I’ve always found comfort and guidance in his words.

As mentioned, I was asked to speak on gratitude. So one would think that I’d take this opportunity to express my appreciation for this chance, right? Objectively, this is the perfect moment for that kind of sentiment - that I would be grateful to be standing here today. That sort of statement has just a hint of irony because of the topic and would show how clever I can be as well as set a good example leading into a discussion of the importance and power of gratitude - which I absolutely believe in, by the way. However, in this circumstance, I’m not going to say that I’m grateful to be standing here (even though it turns out I really am). However, I won’t say it at this time because I can tell you that accepting this request was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. And I’ll briefly explain why.

Imagine this: Several Sundays ago, I was sitting at our kitchen table, cry-venting to a roommate about the state of my faith. This wasn’t the first time I’d done this that week (she had been exceptionally patient with me). But part of the cause of my difficulty was due to a decision that was about to be made - one I was struggling to accept. It was the culmination and conclusion of several months of discussion, during which I had become frustrated and discouraged. And while this is a somewhat a simplification of the events that had led me there, I expressed to her in that moment that I would like to just be done. To just walk away from all of this and give it up for good. She implored me to give her and everyone else a chance - to hold on a bit longer. Specifically, she said this: “I’m only just finding out about this. Let me - let us - help you before you decide to walk away.” And - while I’ll never admit it - my heart did soften and deep, deep, deep down what she said felt right.

If it wasn’t in that instant, it was really close to it that I got the text from Bro Myers asking me to speak today. My roommate described it to me later but my face apparently registered terror, confusion, and just an all-around sense of what the heck??? (This is exactly how I felt but those were her words). At that point, I was crying harder and shaking all over. I was practically in a state of shock. So I didn’t respond right away, mostly because it felt like I was facing a significant crossroads.

And I hadn’t faced a choice like it before, as far as I can remember. I could have said no, which would have likely been the first step in just walking away forever. And even though I’m not always great at saying no, that day I knew I could have gone either way. As you can see however, that’s not what happened. Obviously, I said yes because here I am. And while I’m not entirely sure that I’m the person that should be standing up here today or ever, you’re all stuck with me. Don’t you feel so lucky?

What began then and has continued until now was weeks of research, some humbling, more prayers than I had said in this year up to that point, and a whole lot of coincidences. Or what I called coincidences until faced with something I couldn’t deny.

Albert Einstein put it this way: “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” What that means, and what I’ve learned and re-learned over this time of reflection, is that coincidence is not coincidence at all. God is in everything and gratitude is how we find Him in it.

Sister Bonnie Parkin in her 2007 general conference address gave us this perspective: “Gratitude is a Spirit-filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God.” This universe is absolutely filled with God’s influence. She then adds, “Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God’s love.”

Similarly, Elder Uchtdorf once said, “How blessed we are if we recognize God’s handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life. Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens perception and clears our vision...Gratitude is a catalyst to all Christlike attributes.”

This concept, this theme has undeniably been present in this journey. The same day I got the text about speaking, I received a blessing from a dear friend that specifically said: “God is in the minute details of your life, in every day. Some days it is so small but if you look, He is there.” The powerful part of that moment was that he whispered those words. I had to be paying attention to recognize the strength in that promise. Later in the week, while we were on Temple Square for stake temple night, I spent some time in the visitor’s center where some missionaries shared their thoughts with me, which included: “Look for Him in the little details and don’t deny the Spirit.” Over and over again, this message kept resurfacing: He is there. Look for Him. Are you looking?

So I tried. And even though Yoda says, “Do or do not. There is no try,” I don’t think anyone will be surprised by what happened. When you open your heart, even just a bit, to the Lord’s influence in your life, He is so easy to find. He isn’t hiding. He isn’t intentionally keeping you in the dark. He is waiting for you to acknowledge His presence through gratitude. According to Sister Parkin, “Gratitude requires awareness and effort, not only to feel it but to express it.”

With that in mind, I’d like to tell you about a few of the places I found Him then. One evening, we were eating Chinese food. And what always comes with Chinese food? Fortune cookies. These cookies get mocked for their regular lack of actual “fortune.” But this isn’t the first time that one of these cookies has definitely been meant for me. Here’s what it said: “You have the ability to sense and know higher truth.” The fortune cookie knew what I need to hear! Or maybe since Heavenly Father knew I was looking for Him, He decided that this was an opportunity to talk to me. It’s possible even cares about which fortune cookie we get, maybe. After all, Doc & Cov says, “...those who receive ALL things with thankfulness shall be made glorious…” That applies to fortune cookies, right?

Okay, how about a slightly more consequential example? A different day, I was again at our kitchen table with a different roommate (I’m not sure what it is about the kitchen table that causes these conversations). She remembered a scripture that she had read recently with my name in it. I suspected that I knew which one she meant because I’ve always loved it for vain reasons. I mean, I also love it because, first of all, it’s Isaiah and he is my favorite. Secondly, it’s one of those scriptures that I turn to when I need comfort because of its power of reassurance. This is what it says:

(Isaiah 51:3) “For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.”

Five years ago, I wrote about this scripture in my journal. This is what I thought then: “Perhaps it is a coincidence that my name is at the end of this scripture. However, I believe less and less in luck or happenstance because I’m seeing more and more that each event in a life has a purpose.” That was five years ago! Coincidence? I think not!

So joy, gladness, thanksgiving, and the voice of me will be found there - what more could you want from a place? Honestly though...what this says to me is that the Lord is going to take everything, all the waste places, wilderness, and deserts we go through, and make them beautiful. He already is, in fact. As we continue to see through the eyes of gratitude, we are more fully able to acknowledge that beauty, feel it, and express it.

Sister Parkin posed two questions: How do you feel when someone expresses gratitude to you? How do you feel when you express gratitude to another? These are two of the best feelings there are! When someone expresses their gratitude to me, I realize that I haven’t gone unnoticed and that someone cares enough to remind me. And when I express it to another, my love for them expands and more light comes into my life. This is the same when we make the effort to express it to God.

One final story as I wrap up: When we play games, and need to draw a certain card or roll a specific number or whatever to win, the roommate I have yet to mention proceeds to say, “I hope you’ve been living righteously.” And when it’s down to just two people, she adds, “I guess we’ll see who’s been the most righteous.” Along this line of thinking, I submit that whoever has been most grateful has been most righteous because, going back to Elder Uchtdorf’s quote, gratitude is a catalyst for all Christlike attributes. When we are willing to open our hearts and minds to gratitude, it seems only natural that faith, hope, charity, virtue, knowledge, humility, and more would also find their way in.

And not only are we able to gain these but gratitude is also an expression of them. Sister Parkin put it this way, “As we pray and express gratitude to a loving but unseen Heavenly Father, we are also expressing our faith in Him. Gratitude is our sweet acknowledgement of the Lord’s hand in our lives.” And Elder Uchtdorf said: “It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will.” Growing in gratitude will prove the Lord - we will see where He is in our lives in the present and the past. This will then show that He can and will be in our futures. We discover that we can trust Him in all things and be grateful to Him in them as well. This gratitude will then lead us to the development of those Christlike traits that will further our progression to our highest selves.

It has been recommended to me several times during this process that when we have questions, we should start with what we know. So here’s what I know but also what I’d like to know more of. I know the Lord is there. I know He is in the little and the big things. Coincidence is not coincidence at all but instead, the Lord’s hand in our lives. I know that this is one of the many ways in which He shows His love for His children. We are those children and He loves us more than we can comprehend at this time. And as we are looking, as we feel and express gratitude to the people in our lives and to Him, we will grow in that love and it will change us. I plan to continue looking for Him in all things and I hope you will too.

Adventure #57: Starting Again

"So take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again."  
-Frank Sinatra

How often are we allowed to start again? In anything? For me, it's about every 5 seconds. And I don't know if I'm allowed that many chances but I take them! Which is why I'm writing this...right now...instead of two months ago when I actually set the goal to start writing again.

I meant to start again in January and then again in February but here we are in March. And while my brain likes to tell me that I shouldn't even bother because two months have already passed, I'm ignoring that voice and instead taking another chance that I may or may not deserve.

So for the rest of the year, I will be writing at least once a month. Or what will average once a month. 12 posts is what I'm saying. At least.

But for today, I wish you luck in starting again and again and again and one more time again. Enjoy your adventures!

Adventure #54: Messiness

It’s been a while and because of that, this entry is going to sound somewhat like a giant excuse but honestly, I’ve been pondering this for at least 3 months now. So here’s an obscure thought for the day.

“Life is messy, and we’re all a little screwed up in our own special snowflake kind of way.” - Mark Manson

Maybe it’s just part of growing up but I feel more and more confused all the time. I’ve hit the point where I’m trying to escape my own brain because the thinking going on is muddled and difficult and not producing the results I would like. I don’t know if this actually is because of the whole growing up thing or not but I’m going to blame it on that. Basically, everything I dislike I blame on “growing up.”

My point, you ask?

Life is messy. And much messier than I could have imagined. I might have had second thoughts about growing up if I had realized that NOTHING would make sense and clarity is the biggest myth of them all.

However, I am convinced that the greatest beauty is found in this mess. Diamond Rio sang it this way, “This morning I put salt in my coffee. I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Losing my mind, I swear….What a beautiful mess, what a beautiful mess I’m in.”

And that’s what we all face here.

Confusion.

Blurred lines.

Doubt.

GLORIOUS MESSINESS.

Life is made of these things. But it’s also designed for us to overcome these. And after 27 years, I’m finally starting to figure that out. I thought I’d had adventures before but it looks like there’s many more coming that I’m sure I’ll enjoy.

Enjoy your adventures!

Adventure #50: I'm Back!

"Sometimes the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while."

Because of my absence the past couple months, I've decided to write a post every week this month instead of just once. My goal is every Monday in November (since that covers my usual day - the 9th). So keep an eye out. As for today, here's a thought that started sometime in October about a few things I've missed!

Here's the dumb thing about today: Nostalgia. Every year, about this time - in the autumns of infinite promise - this longing begins anew. It doesn't crave any specific place or time but instead yearns for those whose lives intertwined with mine but have since ceased. I get nostalgic for people.

Most often, I'm grateful for this remembrance. I look at my life knowing I was blessed, even for a moment, by the influence of these glorious people. And, then my heart recognizes the loss. The love for them echoes through the space left there by our interactions.

I miss playing Star Wars Stratego with you and riding our bikes to the library and swimming pool. And, how you knew my mind and heart and considered me.

I miss texting you in every instant that we couldn't be together. And, how you'd used our nicknames and inside jokes so entirely. And, our superhero moments and how comfortable we were at our best.

I miss the Norweigian you wrote with the magnets on our fridge and making mango cookies. And, how you would say, "What had happened was..." And, your opinions on films and how we could talk about that stuff for so long.

There are more. There are SO many more! Because I have been loved and have been blessed to love. I know that is why I long for people. And, I'm grateful to be missing you.